Station K-O-R-N
Chorale Presentation 2001
JIM: Howdy!
BOB: Howdy!
JIM: I’m Jim!
BOB: And I’m Bob!
JIM: And together, we’re…
BOB & JIM: Jim-Bob! Right here on radio station
GROUP I: K-------!
GROUP II: O------!
GROUP III: R------!
GROUP IV: N------!
JIM: That’s right! Radio station K-O-R-N right here in Redneck, Arkansas! The home of gorgeous women and buttered biscuits!
BOB: Love them women!
JIM: And their biscuits! And to start things off this mornin’, here’s Ima Fox and the Tank Tops with The Ten Commandments of Love!
GROUP I: If your truck’s got curtains and your livin’ room don’t And Spam is a gourmet food. If you clean your fish in the dinin’ room Well that is just derned rude. GROUP II: If you think you’re gonna tag this dear, You’re gonna need some help from above. You better write it in stone, then take it on home… ‘Cause it’s the Ten Commandments of Love!
SOLO 1: If you buy my jewelry at the hardware store And your taillights are made of tape. SOLO 2: If you clean your ears with your pickup key And you graduated six years late. SOLO 3: If the Motel Six turns its lights off quick When they see you comin’ around. GROUP I: You better write this in stone then take it on home, It’s the Ten Commandments of Love.
THE GIRLS: You gotta ho—o-ld me close And take me out where the lights are bright ‘Cause Hea—ven knows I’m goin’ uptown Saturday night. SOLO: Before we talk relationship Then take that toothpick outa your lips THE GIRLS: Hey Bubba it’s time you got a grip On the Ten Commandments of Love.
THE GIRLS: Commandment One!
ONE;: “Thou Shalt Bait my hook. Especially if it’s the first date.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Two!
TWO: “Camouflage is not a proper wedding color.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Three!
THREE: “There is no reason to have grease under your toenails.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Four!
FOUR: “Toilet paper should not have page numbers.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Five!
FIVE: “When you take me to movie, do not talk to the actors on the screen. Studies show they can’t hear you.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Six!
SIX: “Taking me on a cruise does not mean circling the Dairy Queen.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Seven!
SEVEN: “You don’t have to cancel Christmas dinner just because we’re out of ketchup.”
GROUP I: If your idea of a gourmet meal is a can of Mountain Dew GROUP II: If I find out that your friend Rover has better breath than you. SOLO : If you can tell your age by your bathtub rings And your mother can belch on key ALL GIRLS: Then you better write down the Ten Commandments of Love Or don’t mess around with me.
THE GIRLS: You gotta ho—o-ld me close And take me out where the lights are bright ‘Cause Hea—ven knows I’m goin’ uptown Saturday night. SOLO: If the dog sees you eatin’ and he starts to gag 2ND SOLO: If your passenger window is a Hefty bag, THE GIRLS: Then pardon me if I start to nag About the Ten Commandments of Love.
THE GIRLS: Commandment Eight!
ONE: “Our baby’s stroller does not need a gun rack.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Nine!
TWO: “Generally speaking, livestock is not an appropriate wedding gift.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Ten!
THREE: “When you’re on a date you should dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.”
THE GIRLS: You gotta ho—o-ld me close And take me out where the lights are bright ‘Cause Hea—ven knows I’m goin’ uptown Saturday night. SOLO: You and me are gonna crash If you don’t take that spit cup offa your dash THE GIRLS: Now’s the time you started to ask About the Ten Commandments of Love.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Get your hound-dog off my knee!
It’s the Ten Commandments of Love!
JIM: Hey! What a song!
BOB: What a song! What a song! And we’ll be right back with Big Bull Chips singin’ “I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me!” right after this message from Aunt Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits!
BISCUIT GROUP: Throw ‘em at the ceiling! Throw ‘em at the wall! Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits! They’re the best of all!
BISCUIT PERSON ONE: Are your biscuits dull?
BISCUIT PERSON TWO: Uh-huh.
BP1: Do they just sit there like a lump in your tummy?
BP2: Uh-huh.
BP1: Then listen to this testimonial about Aunt Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits!
BISCUIT EATER: I was a shriveled up little nothin’ ‘til I startin’ eat Aunt Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits.
BP1: And now?
BISCUIT EATER: And now I can whup my little sister.
BISCUIT GROUP: Throw ‘em at the ceiling! Throw ‘em at the wall! Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits! They’re the best of all!
JIM: Hey, those are some biscuits!
BOB: Some biscuits!
JIM: And before we get to Holey Jeans singin’ “I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!” here’s the Arkansas Country Boys with their big hit, “I’m a country boy or die!”
COUNTRY BOYS: Oh, I love to go swimmin’ with bow-legged women and dive between their knees! SOLO BOY:I love to ride cattle without any saddle and tinkle in the breeze! SOLO BOY TWO: I love to chase roosters and think it’s a hoot just to make a piggie fly! I ain’t too derned smart but I’ve got a big heart, I’m a country boy or die! SOLO BOY: I’ll wrassle the dog or make friends with a hog Or laugh like I’m simple and rude. SOLO BOY TWO: I’ll ride an old sow but I’ll never know how To wear necktie like a dude. SOLO BOY: I never could spell but I whistle real well I can burp and can spit in your eye. COUNTRY BOYS: We’re out of our minds but the hogs, they don’t mind, We’re a country boy or die! JIM: Hey! What a song!
BOB: What a song! What a song!
JIM: The hits just keep comin’ here on station
GROUP I: K-------!
GROUP II: O------!
GROUP III: R------!
GROUP IV: N------!
JIM: The station that brought you Jimmy Crass and his big hit, “You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly!”
BOB: And his first big hit, “Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure!” Hey, it’s time for the livestock report!
JIM: Let’s take it down to Harry Tails down at the Midwest Livestock Market!
HARRY: (shouting over the noise as the rest of the cast sets up a chorus of cow, pig, rabbit, chicken, sheep and horse noises..he can barely be heard over the din) This is Harry Tails with the livestock report!
JIM: (shouting) Harry! Harry, can you hear me?
HARRY: (shouting) This is Harry Tails with the Livestock Report.
JIM: Harry! Harry, how about the Livestock Report?
HARRY: This is Harry Tails with the Livestock Report.
JIM: I----can’t-----hear----you------Harry!
HARRY: Uh..I am surrounded by very large cows.
JIM: Harry!!!
HARRY: And they look very hungry!
JIM: Harry? Harry? (the animal noise stops suddenly) Well, it looks like we’ve lost Harry.
BOB: Lost old Harry.
JIM: How about a final word from Aunt Betty’s Buttered Biscuits?
BISCUIT GROUP: Betty Botter bought some butter but she said this butter’s bitter. If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter. So she bought a bit of better butter put it in her bitter batter. Made her bitter batter better. So ‘tis better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter. BOB: I couldn’t have said it better Betty! JIM: You know, the old clock on the wall says it’s almost time to sign off.
BOB: Almost time!
JIM: Almost time! I guess we won’t get to hear Lug Wrench’s new song, “I Changed Her Oil, And She Changed My Life.”
BOB: Or Lonesome George’s “How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?”
JIM: So until we meet again, this has been Jim
BOB: And Bob!
JIM: That’s…..
JIM & BOB: Jim-Bob!
JIM: Sayin’ goodnight from station…
GROUP I: K-------!
GROUP II: O------!
GROUP III: R------!
GROUP IV: N------!
HARRY: And this is Harry Tails from… (but the noise of animals drowns him out)
KORN Chorale Presentation 2001 Speech Contest
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