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Let’s Break the Rules Kim Des Lauriers, Molly Nixon, Rob Blackburn, Trish Ballard, Shayla Grantham, Stacey Worrell
(Ken introduces the piece then sits down and shuts up.)
ALL: (in unison) Hello. Our names are . .
KIM: Kim.
MOLLY: Molly.
SHAYLA: Shayla
STACEY: Stacey.
ROB: And Rob. I’m the only boy.
MOLLY: We can see that, Rob.
ROB: My mom’s making me do this.
ALL: We’re from Steve Endsley Middle School and we are doing a duet called. . .
SHAYLA: “Let’s Break the Rules!”
ROB: . . by Ken Bradbury.
STACEY: Oh God, aren’t they all?
SHAYLA: I get so tired of hearing his name at contest.
STACEY: Hey guys! Speech contest is tomorrow! You think we ought to get serious and practice?
ROB: Don’t worry. I’ll start memorizing tonight.
KIM: Don’t we have . . . you know. . . a lot of people for a duet?
MOLLY: No! Mrs. Ballard says du-et means just what it says. . “Do-It!” I’m sure there’s no rule about having too many people.
SHAYLA: Hey! Great costume, Stacey!
STACEY: Thanks. My mom thought this would be just perfect for contest. That’s where I get most of my coaching. . . my mom. Uh-Oh. Here comes Mrs. Ballard.
ALL: Hi, Mrs. Ballard!
TRISH: Are we ready to rehearse?
STACEY: Like my costume, Mrs. Ballard?
KIM: Are you sure we can use costumes? Isn’t that against the rules?
TRISH: The rules?
STACEY: That packet of things on your desk.
TRISH: That’s my Lands End catalog. Don’t worry. I read the IESA rules once. . .maybe twenty years ago. They never change them. Don’t worry, kids. I know what I’m doing. I was a personal friend of Edna Means.
ROB: What did they say at the speech conference in Bloomington?
TRISH: Speech conference? I haven’t gone to that thing in years. . . too many young teachers…they make me nervous. And besides, it cuts into my weekend. Trust me, I know what I’m doing. After all, if a coach doesn’t know the IESA rules, then who does? That’s why I’m such a great judge.
KIM: Uh…Mrs. Ballard. . . Five people in a duet. Isn’t that like . . . you know. . .a lot?
TRISH: You want to be like all the other duets? This’ll make you stand out! I’ll bet you’ll get Judge’s Choice! Of course it doesn’t matter what place you get at contest. It’s whether you do your best. And if you don’t all get Judges’ Choice I’ll never speak to you again. Okay. . are we ready to rehearse?
ALL: Yes, Mrs. Ballard!
TRISH: Okay, let’s all stand on our chairs.
SHAYLA: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! My cousin from Peoria said that was against the rules this year.
TRISH: Peoria isn’t even in Illinois. I should know. I teach social studies. Of course you can stand on chairs! Okay Molly, now when you say, “Gosh, I wonder what time it is,” you should look at your watch.
MOLLY: But wouldn’t that be a prop?
TRISH: Of course not! How silly! A prop has to be something big like a car or an elephant. And Rob, when you play that old man character I want you to rush offstage and put on those earrings.
ROB: Earrings?
TRISH: It’ll be hilarious.
ROB: That’s a prop! And my grandpa doesn’t wear earrings. I don’t know of any grandpas who wear earrings. Do you mean hearing aids?
TRISH: No! He’s a very strange old grandpa….He’s from. . .uh. . Peoria! Yes! Peoria! So kids, lots of jewelry because we’re playing really rich people.
KIM: But I’m pretty sure we can’t use jewelry as a part of our skit.
TRISH: Are you kidding? How else will the judge know we’re from the suburbs? Of course we’ll wear jewelry.
SHAYLA: Uh. . .Mrs. Ballard?
TRISH: Yes, Shayla?
SHAYLA: I got a problem.
TRISH: You don’t have any jewelry?
SHAYLA: No, I’m not eligible. It’s my math grade.
TRISH: You were eligible last year weren’t you?
SHAYLA: Yes.
TRISH: Then that counts. It carries over. Don’t worry about it. Eligibility is just for athletics.
SHAYLA: Cool!
TRISH: I’m glad that makes you happy.
SHAYLA: Yeah, ‘cause I’m flunking English, too.
MOLLY: Mrs. Ballard, I think there’s a mistake.
TRISH: What’s that, Molly?
MOLLY: You’ve got me entered in six events.
TRISH: Six events?
MOLLY: Three duets, a monologue and two Improv events. I don’t think you can do that.
TRISH: Oh yes, yes you can. As long as it’s an emergency. Those entry forms. . .they’re just a formality.
MOLLY: We got an emergency?
TRISH: Yes, I made a mistake and made too many entries and we can’t get our money back. That’s an emergency. Don’t worry, Molly, I’ll explain it to the host on the day of the contest. It’ll all be fine.
STACEY: Like my costume, Mrs. Ballard? Just like you told me.
ROB: I’m pretty sure you can’t wear costumes at contest.
STACEY: What would you know? You’re wearing earrings.
TRISH: Oh, we won’t call them costumes.
STACEY: I’m doing a monologue about the Ugly Duckling and you’ve got me wearing a duck suit, Mrs. Ballard. I think they’re going to suspect something.
TRISH: Oh no, no, no! Just tell the judge that you got up this morning and just put on the first thing you came to.
STACEY: A duck suit. I’ve got a duck suit hanging in my closet?
ROB: Tell them your grandpa wears earrings.
SHAYLA: And he’s from Peoria.
TRISH: Okay, now remember. . . when we get to contest I’ll be sitting right there in the front row. If you forget a line just look at me and I’ll tell you what to say next.
KIM: But I’m pretty sure that if you get more than one prompt they’ll mark you down.
TRISH: Oh Kim, you’re such a prude. I can prompt you all you want. Just think of it as one long prompt. . . eight minutes long. See? That makes just one. If someone complains we’ll tell them it’s Team Improv. Okay, let’s practice a little.
KIM: I’m nervous. Contest is tomorrow and this is our first rehearsal.
TRISH: Oh no, no, no! That’s how we keep it looking spontaneous! Besides, you don’t have to have it word for word! Now let’s try our duet.
MOLLY: Our five-person duet.
TRISH: Don’t worry about it. There’s no penalty for being in the wrong category. Okay, Rob, you come in the door right there.
ROB: The actual door?
TRISH: Of course the actual door! It’s a contest room isn’t it?
ROB: But then the door becomes a prop!
TRISH: It’s not a prop, it’s a door! Then you walk out into the audience and sit on the lap of somebody in the front row.
STACEY: Whoa! Whoa! I don’t think you can do that. Then the audience member becomes a prop.
KIM: Only if he’s wearing earrings.
TRISH: You kids just don’t know how to be creative! Rob, you come in the actual door . . . make sure you touch the back wall, you sit on the audience member’s lap, you take off your shoes then you shout, “It’s great to be here in Disneyworld, Mommy!” Then Molly comes in wearing those adorable mouse ears, she stands on a chair and says, “Oh where did you go, Johnny?” (They all stare at her a long moment.)
KIM: Are you sure you’ve read the rules, Mrs. Ballard?
TRISH: They aren’t really rules, kids. . . just suggestions. As long as you’re good, the judges will give you first place. Oh, and by the way. . girls, make sure you wear those adorable sweater with the sleeves that are so long they cover up your hands. Fashion is so important at speech contest. And don’t forget the high heels.
ROB: (stepping out from the group) And so we went to speech contest. We broke all the rules and got a third because they didn’t give fourth-place. But our speech coach had given us a valuable lesson in values.
STACEY: (stepping out) Stacey grew up served two years in the Illinois State Legislature and 12 in the Menard Correctional Facility.
MOLLY: (stepping out) Molly landed a job smuggling guns to South America.
SHAYLA: (stepping out) Shayla works for the National Enquirer.
KIM: Kim became a telemarketer.
ROB: Rob became the governor of Illinois.
TRISH: (stepping out) Mrs. Ballard coached Jr. High speech for 35 years without once hosting a contest. When her entries would come in to the contest site an audible grown could be heard rising up out of the host’s classroom. She went on to run several Presidential campaigns.
ROB: When Mrs. Ballard died we all went to her funeral. (Trish turns around.)
KIM: It was a sad affair.
SHAYLA: Funerals are like that.
STACEY: She’d left instructions for her funeral.
MOLLY: The delivered the flowers to the wrong place, she had too many pallbearers, her burial outfit was all-wrong, and they dug her grave too small.
ROB: She hadn’t read the rules!
ALL: The. . . . .end!